In breaking news, the FA has confirmed that they will charge Manchester United defender Patrice Evra today with a charge of having a sense of humour, for allegedly brandishing an inflatable arm in public and pretending to take a bite out of it. This act was supposedly a reference to Luis Suarez and his infamous bite on Branislav Ivanovic’s arm during a Premier League match between Liverpool and Chelsea on Sunday afternoon.
FA spokesman Don Givadamn stated that the association takes having a sense of humour very seriously. “During times of economic hardship like these, it is important to be sensitive to the many people who are unemployed. This is no laughing matter for them and having a sense of humour is extremely cruel to these people. The FA takes this conduct even more seriously than racism” added Mr Givadamn.
The FA will appoint a three-man panel to consider Evra’s sense of humour charge on Wednesday . The panel, comprising a chairman, a former footballer and an FA council member, all of whom are independent of the two clubs involved, will have the power to impose an extended suspension on the Manchester United player.
In a statement, the FA confirmed: “The incident was not seen by the match officials and has therefore been retrospectively reviewed. It is alleged that the conduct of Evra constitutes a sense of humour violation and it is the FA’s contention that the standard punishment of three matches that would otherwise apply is clearly insufficient in these circumstances. Evra has until 6pm on Wednesday 1 May to respond to the charge, thereafter an independent regulatory commission will be convened Thursday, 2 May.”
Evra is unlikely to face any police action for biting the inflatable arm, despite a Metropolitan police officer examining the severed member following the incident. A spokesman for Manchester police, who began the investigation, said last night: “Manchester police can confirm that following an incident at the Manchester United v Aston Villa game officers have spoken to Patrice Evra. It became clear the arm was not human and there is no investigation to be launched. This is now a matter for the Football Association.”
Sir Alex Ferguson was unavailable for comment, but hysterical laughter could be heard behind his office door at Old Trafford.