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Football

Transfer Day Comedy Gold

There are times when all you can do is laugh. Those moments of pure comedy gold.

Seeing the following headline was one of those:

“Gareth Bale’s dream move to Real Madrid from Tottenham was stressful, emotional but rewarding”

What is even funnier is that the author of this “article” is none other than Gareth Bale’s agent, Jonathan Barnett. Just to refresh your memories, Barnett is the legend who was responsible for negotiating Ashley Cole’s move from Arsenal to Chelsea. The same Cole who famously uttered the immortal words “I almost crashed my car [in disgust]”, he said, after being offered £55,000 a week instead of the £60,000 he wanted.

This is what the transfer circus has become. Mr Barnett is possibly looking to try a new career as a journalist, giving us the inside scoop on what happened behind-the-scenes in the summer long Gareth Bale saga. I guess we are not too far off having a reality show (produced by Ryan Seacrest of course) about the life and times of famous footballers.

Let’s unpack some of the gems in the article by Barnett along with a more realistic translation.

Barnett quote

It’s been intense, stressful and tiring and at times the negotiating was not always done in the most cordial way.

Translation – no ways was anybody going to take this ridiculously huge fee away from me!

Barnett quote

Obviously us agents are well paid for what we do but this was different, it was a deal that represented a lifelong ambition being fulfilled. I’ve seen him grow as a player and a man so this was a deal that was very personal to me.

Translation – my lifelong ambition was to be a multi millionaire. That’s as personal as it gets for me!

Barnett quote

Real are truly a special club and everything about his unveiling on Monday was why Gareth wanted to play for them.

Translation – damn skippy they’re special. Paying that fee for Bale means I can look at buying my 10th property, maybe even a small island like Richard Branson.

Barnett quote

I negotiated Ashley Cole’s move from Arsenal to Chelsea and I learned a lot of things from that. You’ve got to remain calm, patient and positive even when at times there is a huge weight on your shoulders.

Translation – the huge weight comes from not knowing if you will be able to buy that new Bentley or not.

There you have it folks – the life and times of a football agent. It’s bloody hard work and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.

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About Ticha Pfupajena

I'm beginning to get the sense that my career as a professional footballer may not happen. As a result, I'll try write about football and sports instead....

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